Warning: Lovers of vegetables and/or civilised reviews may be offended by this write-up
Kate Moss once said “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels…”
Kate Moss needs to get her gorgeous, malnourished self down to Clerkenwell so she can sink her teeth into the best meat I’ve seen since Ryan Gosling took his shirt off in …every film he’s ever been in.
Kitchen Party is a shabby-chic set up where the emphasis is placed on the food and drinks rather than the decor. It’s brilliantly rough-and-ready and boasts an array of several different chefs who take it in turns to play the residency card every few weeks. It’s the brainchild of quirky bar Bourne and Hollingsworth and it’s bloody brilliant.
We were lucky enough to go and sample Rack and Ruin and after showing some cocktails a good time, we took our seats at a long banquet table which Henry IIIV would have been ‘wel jel’ of. The eating area is rife with big open grills, sizzling spit roasts, giant pieces of burning coal, chains and spikes hanging precariously above your head and enough slabs of meat to make it look like someone wreaked some serious havoc on Farmville. Fuelled by flames, fury and testosterone, this is every man’s dream -but don’t think for one second that we two little ladies didn’t rise to the challenge and prevail…
The idea is you take your manly slab of wood (leave it…) up to chef Bear Grylls (not quite, but he may as well be). He gets busy on a rack or two and serves you five different types of meat. Then, you go back as much as you like.
Every single type of meat is absolutely amazing though, that’s the crazy thing. The beef was incredible, the belly pork was unbelievably tender, the chicken was the tastiest I’ve had in ages, the lamb was mouth-watering and the ribs were flawlessly juicy.
To add genius to …well, genius, this smorgasbord of animal carnage is served with …potatoes. *Slow applause*
We fought our way through that mountain of meat like we were William Wallace at battle in Braveheart. We came out of the other side feeling full, satisfied and a shadow of our former selves. A fatter shadow at that.
Finally, to sum up, I’ll just warn you that this amount of meat may make you utter nonsensical-yet-ingenius quotes, in the heat of the moment. For your entertainment, here’s a list of some genuinely spontaneous moments from our Rack and Ruin experience…
-“I feel like a viking. It feels incredible…”
-“I need to go home and take a cold shower and reflect upon my life…”
-‘I want to go home and ring my Mum…”
-“I’m going to cry tears of meat. I can feel it happening…”
-“I’ve created a meat baby, I can feel it dancing around in my belly with delight…”
Apologies for the slap-dash, colloquial approach to this review. There was no other way of approaching it though. The truth had to be told in this manner.